compos_dementis: Picture of anime Mello with gothic M (harry/ron otp summer)
My teeny-bopper friends are genuinely shocked that I don't believe in love at first sight.

I mean, anyone who does is mad. I believe in attraction at first sight, in lust, surely. But love takes longer to build up. You have to get to know the person and love them for their personality as well as their appearance. Because doesn't love have to do with the soul? True, deep, unrequited, unconditional *love* for someone? And how can you see into someone's soul just by looking at them?

Or maybe it's more to do with the illusion that you are in love. Maybe it's just a girl thing, because it's harder for girls to tell the difference between love and sex.

Not that you can't love someone and be sexually attracted to them at the same time.

I mean, I'm proof of that, right?

But just laying eyes on somebody for the first time doesn't trigger that "in love" feeling. I can understand that squirmy, can't-sit-still sensation as much as anybody, but that alone doesn't make it love. Love is that on-air feeling, kind of floaty like you're on top of water in a swimming pool.

And then people don't believe me when I say that I have really experienced being in love. Because I'm only thirteen, they assume that I'm immature and have no idea what love is. It hurts to hear them say this, because I have experienced it, I have lived through it and still am.

It's not "just a crush", either, like the adults tell me it must be. Crushes are belly-flips, and I now that feeling, too. Debbie Howell can vouch for me.

No, I really am head-over-heels in love with somebody, no matter what the grown-ups tell me. And it took a long time to make that happen, too. A long time of building tension and screwed-up friendship.

It's not as though it'll ever happen between us, and that's okay. There are plenty of fish in the sea, and I'm almost positive that it's possible to fall in love more than once.

But what do I tell all of the believers of love at first sight? Do I just give them the skinny, that love is a natural progression?

No.

I let them live their lives in peace, sure that one day they'll meet their Prince Charming and live happily every after even though they've barely laid eyes on the guy.

Because that's how the world works.

And I've come to accept this.
compos_dementis: Picture of anime Mello with gothic M (harry/ron otp summer)
Well, I suppose my life can be interesting at points.

I got my very first kiss the day after Halloween. It was a girl. Many people are screaming that it's wrong. The girl I kissed was very nice, but then afterward, we started to date. We saw Harry Potter together in the theater, and we kissed more and laughed and were really happy for a while.

And then came Caitlin.

Caitlin started hanging out with her a bit more than met my liking. It went on for days, the laughing together and smiling at one another while I sat back and watched the disgusting display. Something inside me boiled and screamed at me to just kill Caitlin, just kill her so that she and I could be together a bit longer.

After a while, I came out and told her my feelings. She was a bit angry with me and started yelling at me that who she hangs out with is none of my business.

Yes, we made up after a few days, but it wasn't the same.

And then she dissed the Harry/Ron.

I completely exploded, defending my boys, and she said it was wrong and disgusting that two guys would kiss. She'd read my stories, and said that two men would never sleep together and that Ron is clearly in love with Hermione (blech) and Harry has feelings for Ginny, it says so in the book.

Screw Ginny. Screw Hermione. I hope they end up together.

We haven't spoken of our kiss since, and I don't think we're really dating anymore.

This happened only Friday.

And now, even as we speak, I begin to think maybe what I felt wasn't love at all. Maybe it was a strong friendship through a kiss, and by doing that, I've broken the strength of the walls.

The friend will remain unnamed.

I find myself alone again.

But I think I'm in love.

I only see my object of desire about once every five months. She is moving back here on the eleventh, and I can't wait to see her again. She's beautiful and smart and I want to kiss her so bad it's not even funny.

I realized this when she was over last. We were playing cards, and her hands fumbled with the deck, each move looking precise and calculated to get my attention. Her blue eyes flickered from me to the cards and I just sat looking dumb-struck at how beautiful she could be.

Jeez. I'm crying now, believe it or not. *sniff*

She is so nice to me, and so brilliantly... something. I can't find words to describe her. This is not a friendly feeling at all, this is love, even if I am only in Junior High.

I had a dream last night that I kissed her. She pulled away and started yelling at me that that was wrong and vile. i woke up shaking and crying in my mother's bed and prayed to the gods that these feelings weren't for nothing.

That someday we will find each other and she will feel the same.

Violet, this is for you.

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compos_dementis: Picture of anime Mello with gothic M (Default)
compos_dementis

May 2008

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